I sometimes wonder where I am going in life and why I feel stuck in the present.
Thinking, maybe even believing that I haven't made any positive changes in life since the last time I appeared stuck. It did not appear as there was any personal growth worth noting that would elevate my present and future. Reoccurring obstacles seemed similar to the past. As though I had never attempted to learn the lesson the first several times it was served.
Often when my thought process starts to spiral believing that I am stuck, I clearly see the limitations I have created, and the contrast of situations are stronger than ever. This happens when I am not living from a space of radical acceptance of who I am and what is.
When I let my environment and other people dictate my life. I have relinquished a large portion of my power to individuals I have subconsciously deemed better than I. Why did my inner being diminish my value and self-respect?
Some how my brain recorded a mental core tape that has my worst thoughts and beliefs of being stuck on replay. My subconscious starts to play the tape on constant repeat. I have come to realize that my thoughts are not the end all be all. They are not reality just my inner judge sitting on her thrown commanding destructive thoughts and promoting fear-based mentality. It is her job. It is my job to coexist with her and defuse her commands. Remove the energy charge from the focus and recharge with new thoughts and re-focus. Thoughts are only seeds that were planted and grew into overgrown weed. If I planted better seeds with my thoughts I could have meadows of beautiful flowers and manifested opportunities.
When I set expectations and it doesn't happen I am painstakingly disappointed and miserable. Seems silly when you think about it. Why would we have expectations of others or situations when we can't predict the outcome? If we didn't have expectations, we would not be disappointed. When we set expectations subconsciously or consciously, we try to control every aspect of our lives.
It's easy to get "stuck" when we only focus on the lacking in our lives or tunnel vision. Sometimes looking towards the future has a sense of loneliness and emptiness that requires immediate actions of gratification to close the gap of lacking. But I find when I remind myself of where I have been it changes my mindset of where I am now.
Looking back I remember when I was a little girl. All my cousins wanted to get married and have children. That was their only dream and aspiration. I wanted to be a worldly woman. I wanted to be a successful well-dressed, career-driven woman, working in the city. Have different partners in life until I met my one who fit like a glove. Looking back. I received my manifestation, and I am living that life, along with my cousins living their best lives married with children.
But to get to where I wanted to be as an adult and what I had manifested as a child, I realized that all the moments in my life lead up to today. In order to become the woman I am today, my insatiable thirst to travel as a child paid off. It was a dream of mine to go where ever I chose. As a 10 year old, I started to take the train by myself to visit my cousins in the south of Sweden. Hours of travel and only sheer determination of having a great school break away from home. No thoughts about how would I get there or worries. The constant travel to my cousins over the years, sparked another opportunity, when I turned 19. I didn't want to stay in the little town I grew up in. Specially with the strict controlling upbringing and watchful eye of parents and relatives. My destiny had been planned. My parents wanted to marry me off to a stranger. Work at the family restaurant and serve my man without ever voicing my opinion.
Instead of the life planned, I wanted to go to college in a far away land. I wanted to experience a life without restrictions. I felt stuck and believed I had no control over my life. So little did I know that my travels as a fearless young child opened doors for me. I didn't think twice about leaving it all behind and moving to Ireland at the age of 19 on a whim. Later I worked several jobs and put myself through University. Another dream come true.
After graduation I wanted to work for a corporate company, which was sought out by most of the graduates in the city. I had to put in my due diligence at a different company that did not treat their employees well. I didn't know it at the time but my body was rejecting the work place, I had constant vertigo. I felt stuck again. I wanted more. Why couldn't I have more in my life? Was this it?
I finally got the sought out job and was sent to America to train for 2 months.
This job led to a much needed breakup from an emotionally abusive and immature man. I had been so fearful and meek about leaving him. He had planted a seed in my head that he was all I deserved. That no-one would love me. While in America, I met a man that loved me more than life. He lead me to another dream come true. Living in America, successful career, and a husband that loved me and most of all treated me well.
Though, married to a wonderful man, his family was not very supportive and put me through the ringer. I came from a place of love and I tried to bridge the gap with his family but all they could give was hate and jealousy. All my husband could do was watch. He watched me cry every morning and night, he watched my health deteriorate. He could not see how lonely I had become, and he could not see that all I needed was his support no matter how much I pleaded. I lived the prison, my family had once wanted for me. Why was I not happy? we had dogs, a huge mansion, careers, and a loving spouse. I felt torn and stuck with no way out.
I mustered up the courage to leave. It was the hardest decision I had to make at the time. Who leaves a seemingly perfect loving spouse, life, and house?
I found a job that allowed travel as I craved traveling. A dream come true. I moved to the City of Angels. Three day travel from where I had previously lived for five years with my husband. Beaches, nice weather, and full of possibilities. It was scary as I stepped out a newly divorced woman, into a world of sharks in my professional and personal life. I was not prepared. I was lost and alone. And most of all I had lost my identity. Dating was an eye opener and a soul searching adventure.
Los Angeles was very different from Sweden, Ireland, and southern USA. I quickly learnt that being friendly and kind at work was seen as a weakness. Caring about your colleagues as friends, lead to sexual harassment scenarios. I could not be friends with a man, without getting hit on. It was disheartening. The sharks nibbled at me for breakfast. Corporate America seemed to want to break my spirit into million pieces. The dating world was a numbers game. My kind gentle soul had a rude awakening. But after many more years of facing challenges, rising up from each time someone tried to squash me professionally. Surviving yet another abusive relationship. I realized, that the many jobs I have had, the many men I dated and learnt from. The time I spent single, learning about myself. It lead me to who I am today.
Looking back I see that the universe always had my back, even when I didn't or felt lost. Most time gently nudging me but other times forcing me onto the right path, from each milestone to the next. I needed all the puzzle pieces of my life to fit to reveal the bigger picture. I realized that my body always warned me of unhealthy situations and people. My health would deteriorate even more when I subconsciously refused to see my circumstances or my part in living a life less desired. The moments I felt stuck, felt helpless. It was life showing me contrast at work, life, screaming at me that it is time for me to move on and elevate. Time to face the music without fear. Instead be a part of the music and flow in the river of life. I realized that all I was equipped to do in survival mode was to paddle upstream. I was exhausted.
But here I am at a moment of clarity. I see that every rejection was a redirection to something better. Every lesson I learnt, was another up level to the next part of my life to something and someone better. I look back and see what I have accomplished and can face my future with absolute certainty that I will be fine, even better than before.
In summary, know where you have been and what you have accomplished. See that the subtle changes of life has deposited in the life bank into a substantial chunk of change. Even if situations seems similar, you have changed. Life gives you building blocks to support your next adventure. Proudly move forward and listen to your body, learn to recognize the patterns of when you appear stuck. I like to call this the period of transition. Where we are building resilience, obtaining the tools, and skills to prepare us for a new beginning with ease. The resting and healing time before the sprint to something better. Learn to know the difference between surviving, resilience training, and thriving. Most of all I hope that you can see what you have manifested and the power that lies within you to change your circumstances. I couldn't see what I had created and manifested until my friend forced to look back and be proud.